


Panic

by gamerprincess13



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Birthday Party, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 03:01:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16735833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamerprincess13/pseuds/gamerprincess13
Summary: He shouldn’t be here. No. It’s not like Tsubaki despised Ryoma- No! The opposite! Ryoma would be totally okay with Tsubaki not attending the party for personal reasons. But Shion just had to butt in-“You are going to attend this party, alright?”Thanks a lot father.





	Panic

**Author's Note:**

> What happens when you listen to "Michael in The Bathroom" (from Be More Chill the musical) too many times and associate it with Tsubaki? This happens! This oneshot is in the same universe as Perfectionist Complex, but you don't have to read it to understand what's going on in this fic.
> 
> Just a warning. There's mentions of suicide and self-harm, so feel free to turn away if it makes you uncomfortable.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy.

_What the fuck is wrong with me?!_

Quietly closing the bathroom door, Tsubaki locked himself in the Fujita’s upstairs bathroom before turning on the lights to get a better view of the room. He’s been there hundreds of times, but considering that most of the family members must have taken a shower prior to his arrival, Tsubaki thought it’s better safe and sorry, not wanting to get his clothes wet because he didn’t see a puddle on the creamy white tiles. Luckily, there’s no puddles at sight, nor were the plush red bath rugs were wet, so Tsubaki sat down on the red rug, hugging his knees close to his chest, crossing his arms, covering his face into his arms, and silently sobbing to himself.

“Y-you idiot…” Tsubaki muttered, ignoring all the noises outside of the bathroom. Most of them are having the time of their lives, unlike Tsubaki here. Crying his eyes out during Ryoma’s 26th birthday party.

He shouldn’t be here. No. It’s not like Tsubaki despised Ryoma- No! The opposite! Ryoma would be totally okay with Tsubaki not attending the party for personal reasons. But Shion just had to butt in-

_“You are going to attend this party, alright?”_

Shion did have good relations with Sumeragi and Ikona Fujita and used this party to catch up with them, so Shion could have just attended alone and gave a good excuse as to why Tsubaki was unable to go. But NO! Shion practically forced- No. Forced seems too light of a word to describe how Tsubaki is here in the first place.

_“I swear to the gods, if you don’t attend this party, I’ll leak the photos from your school play online. And we both know you don’t want that to go public.”_

Tsubaki rather if anyone else doesn’t see those photos, even if it was a minor role and had to fill in Severa’s place for just one show. But he didn’t want both his and his father’s reputation to go down the drain all because of a few photos of Tsubaki in a-

“Hinoka! I think your door is busted,” one of Hinoka’s friends, Setsuna Izuka, exclaimed as she twisted the doorknob several times.

 _Shit! Please don’t,_ Tsubaki cried in his thoughts. He really didn’t want anyone, even as someone so slow-minded (as Tsubaki would put it lightly) like Setsuna, to come in and see Tsubaki a mess; eyes red from the tears, and his clothes soaked red from a mixture of fruit punch and red wine. Was it only just one of them? Or ketchup? He doesn’t know and honestly doesn’t care at this point.

“No, it’s just someone using it. The lights are on,” Hinoka pointed out to her friend. “You can either wait or just use my parents bathroom in their room. They honestly don’t mind.”

“Oh, okay then. I really…”

He heard Setsuna’s voice trail off, alongside her footsteps, giving Tsubaki a huge sigh of relief as that’s one less person he could possibly deal with.

However-

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

“Hey! You okay in there?” Hinoka called out with a worried tone.

 _Oh, hey Hinoka. I’m doing fucking fantastic thanks to a couple of drinks ruining my shirt and pants._ He wanted to say that to the eldest Fujita sister, but decided against it. Then again, Hinoka has ways to opening the bathroom door…

“Uh… Take all the time you need, but other people might need to use this bathroom,” Hinoka added. “Otherwise, I’d have to use my hairpin to unlock it if things gets way too out of hand.”

That. He’d rather not let Hinoka do that. He just wants her to leave.

Fortunately, his wish is granted as her voice trailed off away from the bathroom door. As long nobody comes to the upstairs bathroom door, Tsubaki can remain in this room until the party is over. And knowing how long people stay-up on a Friday night (especially at a party), it’ll be a very long time. Like, 2 to 3 AM!

…But Tsubaki would rather stay trapped in the bathroom than go outside surrounded by people secretly laughing at him based on his looks. Or face his father…

 _Oh gods, please let my father leave the party,_ Tsubaki thought, knowing that Shion would go back to his girlfriend’s house when he feels like it. Besides, Shion knows damn well that Tsubaki can find his way back home, along with being alone in the house just fine. That’s one blessing for Tsubaki, especially when he feels like crap.

But wait…!

_What if father is looking for me?! He’s going to kill me!_

Sure, Shion wasn’t thankfully present when the unfortunate incident happened to Tsubaki, but he must have heard it from one of the party guests that-

_What if someone took a photo- Or worse! A video of me?!_

Someone getting shoved on accident and getting his clothes soaked in red liquids at the food and drink table is sure to garner attention from the party guests; one or more will certainly pull out their phones to snap a shot or record a clip and post it on their social media profiles.

 _They’re probably laughing at me,_ Tsubaki thought as more tears came out. _Wait… Does this include… No. Nonononononono… She would never do that. Would she?!_

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

“Hello? Are you finished, man? I really need to go.”

_Stay quiet, Tsubaki. If you wait long enough, that person will leave you alone._

“Um… Hello? Hello~?!” the person called in a sing-song voice while knocking on the door. The person kept repeating this action for a good minute until-

“NO, YOU CAN’T COME IN!” Tsubaki snapped at the person outside the door, lifting his head off of his knees. _Get lost you ass!_ He wanted to add that, but decided against it in fear that the person could possibly knock the door open by force.

“Alright, alright. No need to yell at me.”

_Finally. I-_

“Hey, Sakura! I think I heard Tsubaki from upstairs!”

_Oh, fuck my life!_

He shouldn’t have yelled at that stranger. Now Hinata and Sakura are going to persuade Tsubaki to come out of the bathroom, meaning people are going to stare and judge him. That guy who’s hiding at the bathroom at a party. That guy who yelled at a stranger just wanting to use the bathroom. That guy who got his clothes messy from… Whatever that he landed on!

_NononononononononoNONONONONONO NO! Please, for the love of the gods!_

“Really? Oh, thank goodness. I was starting to get worried about Tsubaki after that incident,” says Sakura.

“Yeah. I mean, it’s just fruit punch. You can wash it off easily,” Hinata added.

 _Oh, that’s what on my clothes at this moment,_ Tsubaki said in his thoughts as he got a closer look at his light blue shirt that has a large red stain in the middle.

“Anyway, I guess we can check the bathroom…”

 _FUCK!_ Even Hinata knew he should check the bathroom since that’s one of the safest places to hide during a party since going to other people’s rooms is just plain rude.

“Well… I-I guess so.” Sakura agreed with Hinata.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

“U-um… Tsubaki? Are you i-in there?” Sakura sweetly asked, hoping to get a reply from (hopefully) somebody- mainly Tsubaki.

 _Stay quiet. She’ll eventually give up and look somewhere else._ Tsubaki thought, looking at the door.

“H-hello?”

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

“Hey, Baki! If you’re in here, wanna come out and sing some Karaoke with us downstairs? Or at least watch Oboro, Takumi, and I sing some Soarin’ Knight songs?” Hinata suggested.

As much as Tsubaki was tempted with that offer, he didn’t budge an inch from his spot.

“I think I hear someone singing a Whitney song badly,” Hinata added.

He’s right. Someone sang “I wanna dance with somebody~!!” and the crowd went wild. Still, it’s not enough for Tsubaki to move.

“Nothing. Maybe it’s just somebody doing their business for a long time,” Hinata sighed as he and Sakura didn’t get a response from inside the bathroom. Not even the sink is running.

“Ooh… Sorry to disturb you!” Sakura apologized before walking away, not knowing Tsubaki was inside the bathroom.

“Yeah. Take your time, but others do need to use the bathroom eventually,” Hinata added as he sprinted away from the door to follow Sakura.

Once the two were away, Tsubaki stood up from the red rug, placing both hands on the edge of the tabletop sink, looking at himself in the mirror.

“Gods, I look disgusting,” Tsubaki commented about himself. Eyes puffed and red, his hair clip loose, tears continuing to slide from his already red eyes, he probably needs a shower in order to look presentable as the punch stain probably soaked through his shirt, making his skin sticky. A simple splash of water isn’t going to make him look batter. Sure, it’d be rude to take a shower at a party while it’s going on, but Tsubaki is sure that the Fujita’s will understand once he explains to them later on. Right? RIGHT?!

No, no, no. Like Hinata said, fruit punch stains are simple to wash, so Tsubaki can just wash his shirt and pants when he returns home. Yeah. Maybe he can just wash his face, brush his hair again, walk out of the bathroom and pretend everything is alright. He can pull this off. He’s done it most of his life.

Tsubaki pulled off his hair clip, letting loose his hair, placed the hair clip on his jeans pockets, and placed his left hand on the cold faucet. He was about to turn the faucet when-

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

“Come on!” a girl yelled, banging on the door aggressively “Whoever is here,” the sentence was disturbed when she hiccuped. “Ya… ya better hurry the fuck up! I’m ‘bout to… to bust some Hamilton in a few… And I don’t wanna lose my… my turn to some chick singing a stupid break-up song that… Oh, gods!”

Lovely. He has to deal with a drunk chick… A pissed off one to be exact.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

“Did ya hear me?!” the drunk girl asked, the banging getting more aggressive than before. “Hurry UP IN THERE!”

“Kagero, calm down,” another voice said to the drunk girl. “I’m sure they’re about finished. No need to yell.”

“Whatev’r, Orochi. But still…”

As the conversation outside went on, Tsubaki quickly turned the faucet on, splashing water to his face, wiping his face quickly with a white towel that’s been neatly folded. Once he finished drying his face, Tsubaki spotted his reflection smiling at him, eyes glaring at him.

“Gods, no…” Tsubaki can only say.

 _“Look at you. Disgusting,”_ the reflection said, turning his head slightly to the left. _“You’re trying to look pretty for everyone out there, but you still look like shit.”_

“Stop…”

_“Why should I?! It’s your own fault that you’re in this fucking situation in the first place.”_

“No…No! It’s not-”

_“Shut up! I bet people will be laughing at you the moment you walk right out of here. Or rather, they’re probably doing it right now.”_

“No!”

_“They’ll say ‘Oh, he must be a stoner!’ or ‘Gods, he’s such a loser!’”_

“No! Just stop! That’s not true!” Tsubaki wanted to punch his reflection, but he didn’t want to break the mirror and trying to explain to everyone why he did it.

_“Oh, really? Why don’t you hear for yourself?”_

“Huh?”

As Tsubaki glanced away from the mirror, he saw that his ‘reflection’ vanished from the mirror, giving Tsubaki a sigh of relief. Thank the gods.

But as he got closer to the door-

“He looks so silly!”

“Look at him!”

“My gods, what was he thinking?”

“I hope he takes this lightly…”

Oh, gods… Heart beating faster than before, palms and face getting sweaty, hearing the voices in his head laughing and mocking him, Tsubaki can only take so much before he can lean back at the door, gripping at the doorknob as tightly as he can. They’re all talking about him, getting a kick on Tsubaki’s pain! He knows it! They’re probably shouting:

_“Everything about you is so terrible!”_

_“Everything about you sucks!”_

_“You’re a slob! Terrible! Such a slob.”_

_Repeat… Repeat… Repeat…_

Despite twisting the doorknob multiple times, the door wouldn’t budge open. Tsubaki suspected that someone outside was leaning against it, or that the doorknob must have been broken. Speaking of…

“WHERE’S THE LOCK?!”

It was here a minute ago. Now suddenly, it just vanishes right when he needs it the most?! He didn’t care if some people overheard him screaming in the bathroom or judge him of being stupid that he didn’t see a lock on the doorknob. He just wanted to get out. Get out and escape from the house and the horrid voices haunting him! ANYTHING!

KNOCK! KNOCK!

“Hey, are you okay in there?” Orochi asked outside, concerned when she heard the commotion going inside the bathroom.

“GO AWAY!” Tsubaki yelled at the voice, still struggling to open the door.

“Tsubaki, is that you?”

“Go away… Just-” Tsubaki kept on twisting the doorknob rapidly, unable to get out.

“Oh dear gods, I’ll go get Ryoma…”

 _Don’t… For the love of the gods… DON’T!_ Tsubaki wanted to scream at Orochi, yet he’s unable to. Even if he can, it’s too late as he already heard the clacking of Orochi’s low heels going down the stairs, trying to catch the attention of Ryoma.

While waiting, Tsubaki felt his heart beating even more rapidly, vision slowly getting blurry, barely able to see his own hands, harsh ringing noises coming through his ears; even if he tried to cover them with his hands. Body trembling, tears flowing faster than ever, and the voices in his head… DEAR GODS!

_“What a waste of life!”_

_“I wish he wasn’t even born!”_

_“Go kill yourself!”_

_“Even if you were born a girl, nobody would want you!”_

_“NOBODY LOVES YOU!”_

_“…Burn!”_

_“Kill yourself! Kill yourself! Kill… Kill… Kill…”_

“…n-not answering t-to us at…”

“…911, yes hello. My name’s Ryoma Fujita, and my family friend, Tsubaki Miyazaki, is having…”

“…disappointing that he couldn’t…”

That’s all Tsubaki can hear before the voices suddenly faded away, alongside his vision slowly turning black.

_What a party…_

* * *

 

“Disgusting…”

One large mark on his left arm, seven tiny yet perfectly straight marks on his right arm, two marks close to his wrists… all of his marks leaving a trail of blood, some dropping on his clean desk. Tsubaki wiped away the blood off of his arms before wrapping them with beige bandage wraps since he’s low on foundation; specifically the one that fully covers his scars.

Regardless, Tsubaki can give the perfect excuse if his bandages came loose. The animals he takes care of scratched him at work. No one will even question it.

After he finished wrapping, Tsubaki rolled his sleeves back up and looked back at his journal entry that he wrote a month ago:

 

_Turns out what everyone at the party was laughing at was Ryoma wearing a lobster suit during his university years. Ha. Got me chuckling, I’ll admit. I’m glad it wasn’t about me. But what if it was me they’re laughing at? What if someone actually got photos of me at my worst?! Or recorded me at my dumbest?! I just know it… I KNOW IT! Soon enough, people will ridicule me even more when I’m not around!_

 

_~~No, no, no, no! Don’t think-~~_

 

_Everything about me makes me wanna ~~die die DIE DIE DIE DIE~~_

 

_I’m ~~perfect~~ a mess. I’m ~~beautiful~~ disgusting. I’m ~~optimistic~~ pessimistic. I’m ~~the perfect son~~ nothing. I ~~don’t~~ wanna die. Not yet! People care about me. No. Yes. No. Yes. NO! YES! N- YE-_

 

_Create new scars. It’s the only way to release the pain inside you without any noise. Just don’t send yourself into the hospital back in March. Or cause any more panic to everyone around you. ‘Kay?_

 

Tsubaki sighed deeply as he shut his journal, grabbed his phone and wallet, stuffing them in his pockets, and stared at the mirror. Hair perfectly combed, shirt and pants in perfect condition, smile, but not too big or he’ll creep everyone around him.

Smile. Smile. Smile.

One more look in the mirror and Tsubaki left his room with his perfect facade for society to look and judge him, ignoring the screams inside of Tsubaki. Alongside his fears and flaws. No one wants to look or talk to an imperfect person. That’s what Shion taught him.

But one day, he won’t have to completely conceal himself to others. One day, he won’t let his anxieties get the best of him. One day, he’ll be human.

Who knows when it’ll come. Maybe today, tomorrow, or even in a few months.


End file.
